The first trial: Solitude

I went down into the silent garden. Dawn is the time when nothing breathes, the hour of silence. Everything is transfixed, only the light moves.

My time here is going to take awhile. All the change I need to do, all the necessary change I have to do to make myself presentable to my surroundings. As you know, I’m a mess and pathetic. I understand why people don’t want to see me on a daily basis and I understand why people I love always leave me. I’m a screw-up and tend to be too sensitive. That is not a good combination from human compartment.
That is why I am here, in total solitude where nothing breathes and the hours are silent. No one to pick me up when I fall and no one to talk to about those sensitive feelings I tend to have.
I do wish my heart was like a rock, cold and hard, destructive and dangerous. I would never care about anything but myself, from the loved ones I thought I had.

I know you and I have never been anything more than we had. I know you never loved me, but I know you cared and you told me that. Things I wanted to say to you never came because I never had the courage to tell you why from the very beginning I was hurting. However, you have a beautiful personality I wish I could have seen more of. And I had the most amazing times with you, even though it’s not a lot. I never felt that way to anyone about what I felt about you. All my years on this earth it is the first time I felt I could really love someone.
That’s just it, isn’t it? I cannot control my heart and I failed. You don’t know me very well, but if you get me started I have a tendency to go on and on about how hard the life is for me, about trying to be the best man I want to be for you. But this, this is the hardest thing I ever had to write.
There is no easy way to say this, so I’ll just going to tell you how I felt when I met you the first time. It was an accident, I wasn’t really looking for it, I wasn’t on the make, it was a perfect storm, you said one thing, I said another and the next thing I knew I wanted to spend rest of my night in the middle of that conversation. We danced and one thing led to another, we kissed. Now there’s this feeling in my gut that you might be the one.  You’re completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance required. You is you… You make me paranoid.
That’s the good news. The bad news is that I don’t know how it happened, we fell apart and that scares the shit out of me. Because if I am not with you right now I have this feeling we’ll get lost out there. It’s a big bad world full or twist and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could of changed everything. I don’t know what’s going on with us and I can’t tell you why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn you smell good, like home and you have a way of making me smile, that’s got to count for something, right?

The bad news is that we might never see ourselves than we were the first time we met. We are no longer… Together.

I hope my time here in the silent garden wouldn’t be longer than it has to be. I hope I will have the courage to be who I am becoming and I hope I have the strength to move on to the next trial.’

Sincerely
Mario Lyberth